


My Intended, My Ivory, My Station, My River

by Cedar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: The Quidditch Pitch: More Than Two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-11
Updated: 2006-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-27 09:47:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10806654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cedar/pseuds/Cedar
Summary: Remus and Sirius are together now, but James was there first and refuses to forget that.





	My Intended, My Ivory, My Station, My River

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  


 Tonight I sit with my back against Sirius's bedpost. The carved wood pushes into my spine as I watch.   


The air in the room expands. It becomes heavy and still as Remus moves between us like a lunar eclipse, the slope of his back bending the light. In the pale luminescence, I see Sirius in ways usually reserved for Remus: the curve of his shoulders as he pulls against his bonds, the coarse dark hairs on his chest scattering the glow of the candles, the shimmer of his lips as he wets them. I freeze, overwhelmed by the sight of Sirius at his most vulnerable, but maintain my balance. Light breaks in waves over Remus's ribs as he moves over Sirius, who is erect, ecstatic and enthralled.   


Steel glints in the candlelight as Remus draws the blade of the knife, the knife I refuse to touch as I refuse to touch Sirius, from Sirius's shoulder to his breastbone and back to the opposite shoulder. I know as I watch that no one but Remus could ever bring Sirius this dangerous pleasure he craves, that sustains him. No one has control like Remus does, over his mind, his hands, over Sirius and myself. It's a side of Remus that both frightens and fascinates me. Remus is an enigma; his lycanthropy is the source of all the doubt in his life as well as all of the confidence, a confidence he exudes when the three of us take our usual positions on the bed he shares with Sirius.   


I am always here, sitting in the corner with my back against the bedpost.   


Sirius gasps as the blade breaks his skin, and my own breath comes shallow as a line of blood beads on his chest. It isn't so much the blood that gets to me as it is seeing Sirius without the arrogance he displays so much to everyone else. Only Remus and I are allowed to see him like this, subservient and delighting in it. The temperature in the room rises as Remus traces the knife in a pattern familiar to all three of us: just under the collarbones, counterclockwise around the nipples, down the center of Sirius's stomach to his navel, and a half moon engraved on each hip. The care Remus takes with Sirius always astounds me. He never falters, and never bleeds Sirius too much. Remus says that he could never risk getting whatever it is that makes him a werewolf into Sirius's blood, but it's more than that. Tracing the tip of his finger over the cut, he paints a line of blood in the center of Sirius's lower lip, strokes Sirius's hair, and whispers to him in the soft, caring tone I heard him use with scared first-years during his tenure as a prefect.   


"Taste it, Sirius."   


They kiss while Sirius's blood is still fresh on his lip, and he sucks Remus's fingers with the same enjoyment he takes in sucking his cock. I twist against the bedpost, hard beneath my trousers, but won't even loosen the clasp on my robes. I can't do anything that would distract me from watching Sirius. I never get to spend as much time with Sirius as I want to and for once, I'm not taking any chances. Things are too uncertain these days to risk missing a moment with him.   


"Jamie..."   


Remus never calls me Jamie, and I cling to that as I cling to all the things that serve as a reminder that Sirius and I were there first, no matter what Remus gives him that I can't. And though Remus is the one that wields the knife and the collar and the hot candles and the restraints, he can't change the foundation of our relationship. It's me that Sirius cries out for, and me that Sirius kissed first.   


"I'm here, Sirius."   


"Stay here, Jamie. Stay with us."   


"James will stay," says Remus, kissing Sirius's forehead. "But you don't want to disappoint him, do you?"   


"No."   


"No?"   


"No, Remus."   


For his compliance, Sirius is rewarded with another kiss. Remus makes the ropes binding Sirius to the bed disappear with a wave of his wand, and helps Sirius sit up. Sirius's hair is a wild, tangled mess, and a few strands stick in the cuts at his collarbone. He looks weary but at the same time vibrant. His eyes are bright, and when Remus turns to remove his trousers, he grins at me. The warmth and mischief in his smile almost make me crawl across the bed and kiss him the way we used to do in the dorm at Hogwarts, when we called it experimentation and swore we'd never tell anyone.   


Remus holds a slender black collar in his hand. He doesn't even need to command Sirius to kneel in front of him anymore. I don't know whether the leather is pliant or stiff against Sirius's throat, but it's not my place to be concerned. Sirius slides off the bed and kneels, his motions fluid, and he places his hands behind his back and looks straight ahead, never up. As Remus fastens the collar I swallow, feeling a sympathetic tightness around my neck. Though he doesn't look at me, I know Sirius plans his movements for my benefit, so I can see the way he slides the tip of his tongue over Remus's cock and watch him lick the spot under the head that makes Remus moan and wind his fingers in Sirius's hair.   


When Remus comes, throwing his head back and tightening the muscles his stomach as he holds his breath, something at the bottom of my heart unravels. It isn't fair for me to think the way I do, to want to fault Remus for making Sirius so content, or fault Sirius for finding fulfillment in being Remus's lover and partner. I am the only one who understands their nature. Sirius may be the talkative, brazen leader on the outside, but Remus is the alpha, the one Sirius respects and listens to without question. I shouldn't compare the relationship Sirius has with Remus to the one he has with me, or the one I have with Lily. I love them all, and I love them all differently, and somewhere in there should be a shred of acceptance of that.   


I don't want anything when I return home that night. I don't want to go for a walk, or eat, or have sex, or talk to Lily, or read. I'm content to sit on the couch and stare into the darkness, wondering for the thousandth time why I go to them, and why I feel so shaken at the memories of the past few hours. I know I go there because Sirius invited me, and that I continue to go because having me there makes him happy. Telling myself this makes me think that for a moment, I understand the joy Remus feels in their relationship. It isn't just about the unquestionable control over Sirius, but that Sirius submits out of love. Sirius chooses carefully whom he loves, especially because of the rocky relationship he has with his parents and Regulus. Remus knows I am Sirius's best friend and that Sirius has already consented to be godfather to Lily's and my first child, when we decide to have one.   


Remus, for all he is to Sirius, can never change what Sirius is to me.   


I sometimes find myself surprised at my thoughts, because I really didn't think when Sirius extended the initial invitation that things would turn out this way. One afternoon about four months ago, Sirius invited me over, and as usual he kissed me in greeting. He had sex with Remus, shared his bed with Remus, but when we kissed, I knew he remembered what I meant to him. There was something different in this particular kiss, though. It was longer, a prelude to a deeper action. Sirius held me to him for a moment after we broke the kiss, and took my hand.   


"Come sit with me, Jamie. I want to talk to you."   


We sat together on the couch, sunlight filling the room through sheer white curtains, and he smiled at me.   


He looked down at our hands and laughed before saying anything. "I told Moony he should really be the one to talk to you about this. He's a lot more articulate than I am about this sort of thing."   


"What sort of thing?"   


"Jamie, I... We... Have you ever...watched someone?"   


"Watched someone do what?"   


"You know. Have sex. Or...play in bed."   


Now it was my turn to smile. "Sometimes I watch Lily." Lily would probably kill me if she knew I discussed the finer details of our sex life with Sirius, but it wasn't like Sirius was going to tell anyone.   


"Lily shows off for her stag, eh?"   


"Sirius!" I laughed, punching him lightly.   


"But you've done it. Watched."   


"Sure. Why?"   


"What would you say to watching us? I mean, me and Remus." He said this quickly, and with a rush of breath.   


For a minute, I didn't know what to say. "Why? Is everything okay between you and Remus?"   


"Everything's great," he replied. "It's just that...I love you and I want you to be a part of what we have. Just like we did back in school. We shared everything. Only now it's...grownup sharing."   


"Are you sure? I mean, what does Remus say?"   


"He's all for it. You know how much he likes you. We've talked a lot about this and besides, it's not like you've never seen me naked before."   


"It's not like anyone who went to Hogwarts with you hasn't seen you naked before."   


We both laughed at this, and I had memories of Sirius walking naked through our dorm snapping his towel at shy, quiet Peter. "But I don't want to intrude."   


He squeezed my hand. "You won't be intruding. I promise."   


"But what if things change between you and Remus because I'm there?"   


In a slightly annoyed tone he said, "You're thinking too hard about this. Remus wants you there. I want you there. Come on. Don't tell me that marriage is making you soft."   


"Nah, that's just Lily's cooking and not enough time on the Quidditch field." I had a thought. "Have you talked to Peter about this?"   


"Are you insane? Come on, Jamie. Get real. If Wormtail got a glimpse of this, his head would explode." Sirius rolled his eyes, and then leaned over to kiss me again. He stayed close, and his breath was gentle against my lips as he said, "Please? We love you, and we want you to be a part of this." Between kisses, he continued to whisper. "I want you to watch Remus fuck me, and I want you there," he said, taking my lower lip briefly between his teeth, "when he plays with me. Please."   


Later that night I sat at the end of their bed in what would become my usual place against the bedpost. More than anything else now, I remember how hot it was in the room, how my shirt stuck to my chest and back. Sirius was on his stomach underneath Remus, pressing up on his forearms and arching backwards like a cobra. Both of them had the sheen of sweat on their skin. I could nearly taste the salt on Sirius's neck and shoulders, and I bit my lip, reaching behind me to grab the bedpost with both hands.   


Remus never looked at me as he fucked Sirius and his concentration, as deep and hard as his thrusts, amplified his pleasure. He pulled Sirius's head back by his hair and I almost reached forward to stop him, but I had to prove that I could be to them what they wanted me to be: their audience. Even after Remus came, near silently, I could see the proud tension in Sirius's arms and back and the way he was completely focused on pleasing Remus. He allowed Remus to place leather cuffs around his wrists and a ring around his cock in a show of trust I'd never seen before. I knew then how deeply they cared for each other and wondered how they could be so sure that my presence in their bedroom would change nothing. I can still remember everything from that first evening, right up to the point where Remus extinguished the last candle with his fingertips.   


Over very strong black coffee the next morning Lily asks me if I want to talk about it. I shake my head, and she doesn't press me. Thoughts of Sirius keep me distracted at work and I begin to doubt what I'm doing with him and Remus. And even though I'm closer to Sirius, Remus is the one I think of first when I have doubts, the one who I think will do a better job of helping me see what it is that worries me.   


It takes me the better part of a week to figure out what to say to Remus regarding my feelings about being a part, or not a part, of their sex life. Remus and Sirius have a very established relationship with clear boundaries, but I am something outside those bounds even though all I do is watch. I don't want to cause any strife or jealousy between them, or even run the risk of it regardless of how strong they say their relationship is. Planning a conversation with him, especially on a topic that's more delicate than any of us like to admit, is like playing chess against a partner with invisible pieces.   


I don't want to bring Sirius into this discussion. Sirius will only get upset and misunderstand me and think that I want to quit, that I don't want to be a part of them. Via owl, Remus and I plan to meet in the early evening on a night Sirius is scheduled to work late. He knows I want the conversation to be just the two of us and assures me that nothing I say will change our friendship, but I'm not so certain.   


Remus greets me with a hug and serves me tea that I can't drink because I'm so nervous I know I'll spill it. Instead, I wrap my hands around the cup and inhale the steam.   


"I'm not sure about this," I tell him, watching ripples form over the surface of the tea.   


"About your being a part of us."   


"Well...yeah."   


"What makes you unsure?"   


"I guess..." I look away, forming my sentence. "What you and Sirius do, it..."   


"It makes you uncomfortable."   


Sometimes Remus's cool, understanding nature does nothing but piss me off. "Stop telling me what I think! You and Sirius...you have no idea how amazing the two of you are together. He loves you and what you do to him...well, with him. But I don't..." I exhale. "I don't want to jeopardize what you have by being an intruder in something that obviously means so much to both of you." It isn't quite what I mean, or even quite what I want to say, but it's good enough.   


He doesn't say anything, but he nods and takes a sip of his tea. "So there's only one solution that I see."   


"And that is?"   


"Join us. Do more than just watch. You don't have to, of course. But I can't say I'd object and I have a feeling Sirius feels the same way."   


Before I have a chance to form an answer, Remus leans in and kisses me. All I can think in that moment is how he doesn't know how I like to be kissed, that Sirius must never have told him. I return his kiss, trying to hint with my actions how he should move, but he doesn't understand. I pull away first, the taste of Remus's tea still lingering on my tongue.   


"I'll do it."   


He smiles and touches my cheek. "Stay here. Sirius won't be home for dinner. It'll give us a little time to prepare."   


I nod, and he begins cleaning and cooking a light dinner for us. I can't say much at this point; it's hard enough making conversation. As a saving grace, he seems to know that my mind is in a thousand places and lets me stretch out on the sofa in the living room. I fall asleep and wake to him shaking my shoulder.   


"You looked tired, so I let you sleep as long as I could," he says, ruffling my hair. "It's eight o'clock and Sirius is going to be here soon. He leans down, and I stiffen until he kisses my forehead and stands again, taking my hand. "Come with me."   


Their bedroom is already set for tonight. Slender ropes, silken when I touch them, hang off the bedposts. Remus has a small array of toys laid out on a table against the end of the bed, arranged with more care than Christmas presents under a tree. The sight of them makes me think of Sirius beneath Remus, gagged and spread wide at the hips, and my breath catches.   


"Get undressed and sit against the head of the bed with your legs crossed," Remus instructs as he straightens the covers and fluffs pillows. I almost laugh at him for thinking of the housekeeping at such a time, but Remus always has a reason for everything. "Put your clothes in the closet. Wait here for me and Sirius. We won't be long. I promised him an adrenaline rush he wouldn't forget, and you know he'll show up on time for that."   


I am too nervous to laugh at Remus's joke, but I do as he tells me, placing a pillow behind my back. The bed looks bigger from this end. Gooseflesh stands on my arms and chest. I run my hands through my hair and then place them in my lap, maintaining eye contact with Remus. "It's either you or the motorcycle." It's a stupid thing to say, of course, but that's the effect Remus has on me: He makes me say stupid things.   


Even as I blush, Remus laughs, sitting next to me on the edge of the bed and holding my hand. "I think if he had his way, we'd be out on that motorcycle. He might even let us wear leather jackets."   


The easy grace of his speech and jokes do nothing to comfort me. "Are you sure about this?" The question is really more for me than for Remus, and it isn't something I should be asking while naked.   


"We talked about this. You know the answer."   


"I do, but... Don't suppose you'd mind telling me again?"   


Kissing my cheek, he replies, "I'm sure. And Sirius is sure." The bed creaks as he sits beside me and slips his hand into mine. The strength and weight of the muscles along the side and beneath his thumb surprise me.   


"It's just..." I sigh. "I don't want to wreck what you have. My watching is one thing, and believe me, it's a good thing, but...do you have any idea what I'm saying?"   


"Yes. But Prongs, listen to me. We want you here. If you decide to go back to where you were, we won't hate you. Understand? If we didn't want you to be a part of this, we wouldn't have asked." He knows I only ask because I need to hear the answer again, but that doesn't bother him. Almost nothing does.   


I nod, as though I could have any other response.   


He kisses my hand, then my lips, but before I can do anything there is a popping sound in the living room.   


"That's Sirius. Just relax, Prongs. It'll be fine. We'll have fun."   


I take some deep breaths, which dissipate in the empty room, and pick at the threads on Sirius's duvet. Their voices come muffled from the living room through the bedroom door. I flex my fingers and wrists in an attempt to allay some of the nervousness.   


The door opens, and I hear a voice. _"Lumos."_ Remus has Sirius by the hand, and Sirius is naked except for a blindfold and leather wrist cuffs. I bite the inside of my cheek and tighten my lips. Sirius is smiling.   


"Got a surprise for me, Moony?"   


Remus kisses his hand between words, running his fingers over the surface of the leather. I almost get up and take Sirius's other hand, just so I can feel what Remus does. "Yes, I do. And I think it's one you might even like."   


"Ooh. Does it involve whipped cream and a dog collar?"   


"Even better." Remus leads him to the edge of the bed, and Sirius places a knee on the duvet. Remus nods to me, and now, finally, I speak.   


"This way," I whisper. I was supposed to say something a little more suave than that, but Sirius would forgive me. Sirius, I knew, would forgive me anything.   


"Jamie?"   


"Yeah, it's me."   


Sirius climbs onto the bed, turning toward the sound of my voice. "You're here!"   


"Is that how the two of you normally say hello?" asks Remus, running his hand over Sirius's back.   


"No," says Sirius, and he kneels in front of me. Some people show all their emotions in their eyes, but Sirius shows his with his mouth, which curves down slightly at one corner as he touches my arm, then my chest, then my hip, and realizes I'm not wearing anything. At this, he smiles and brings my mouth to his with one hand under my chin. I've kissed Sirius a thousand times, easily, but this kiss, soft and eager, makes my blood rush straight to my cock. I hold his head and feel him sigh against my lips, and when he opens his mouth I run my tongue against his teeth, aware of all their tiny uneven edges. His breaths are shallow and hot. Having Remus witness this excites him, and he sucks at my neck, running his tongue over my skin.   


Remus nods slowly as we break the kiss and I open my eyes. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable, Sirius? Lie down." He stands at the edge of the bed, undressing as Sirius lies on his back. I look down at Sirius's face, away from Remus, and he laughs.   


"James, it's all right to look. It's not like you haven't seen plenty already." I hear him drape his robes over a chair and our weights shift on the bed as he sits at the end, the table of toys behind him.   


I tap Sirius's shoulder, watching Remus for instruction. "Move up a little. Put your head in my lap."   


His hair is soft over my thighs and knees but coarse under my fingertips. "You've got bony legs," he tells me.   


"Thanks, Sirius." I smooth his hair from his face and rub his temples in small circles, holding tight to my retort. He would never, never talk this way to Remus in bed, but when I look at Remus, he does nothing. Sirius sighs and adjusts his head and shoulders in my lap.   


Remus parts Sirius's legs and kneels between them. "James, take his blindfold off."   


Taking care not to tangle the long scarf in Sirius's hair, I untie it and caress the side of his face with the smooth material. When he looks up at me and smiles I almost forgive him for taking such a casual tone with me, for saying without words that Remus and I are inherently unequal in his life and his bed.   


"Hold James's hands," instructs Remus. Sirius reaches over his head, stretching so I can see his ribs, and we wrap our fingers around each other's wrists. I press into his pulse. The leather of the cuffs is as supple as his skin, and as warm.   


Lowering his head, Remus slides his tongue over the tip of Sirius's cock. Sirius moans and closes his eyes, twisting his head to one side as Remus presses a finger inside him. I marvel at the inner strength that keeps Sirius from begging for more. His knuckles are white, his fingers crushing the bones in my wrists. I want to protest in pain, but instead I blink back tears. The lights in the room blur through the film of water, and the edges of Sirius and Remus's bodies soften.   


Remus sits up and reaches behind him, and he swiftly slides the familiar ring onto Sirius's cock. It gleams in the candlelight and nearly blinds me. I look at Remus, who sits alongside Sirius in a position to mirror mine. He wraps his hand around my cock, circling the pad of his thumb over the tip, and I take a sharp breath. Remus, for all he doesn't know about how I like to be kissed, knows exactly where to touch me and how. For a moment I close my eyes, willing myself not to push further up into Remus's hand.   


"Do you want James tonight, Sirius?" asks Remus between light kisses and a tightening of his grasp around my cock. He reaches under Sirius's chin, so Sirius has no choice but to look up at us. "Would you like that?"   


I pause and look at Remus, who continues to stroke my cock slowly. The idea of having sex with Sirius had occurred to me, of course, but I never thought Remus would allow it, much less encourage us. He's sincere, though, and positions himself in my usual spot against the bedpost as Sirius sits up and leans in for a kiss. The more Sirius kisses me, touches me in all the ways he used to, the more Remus fades from the room.   


"Are you sure?" I ask Sirius, and I have a flash of frustration. I'm tired of asking that question. But this time it's different. I think.   


"I'm sure, Prongs," Sirius says against my lips. It's almost inaudible. I wonder if he said it so Remus wouldn't hear. "Please."   


Sirius lies on his back facing the head of the bed, but I refuse to look at Remus. I shut out everything in the room but Sirius and the way the light makes his eyes clearer, the way he reaches forward so I can take his hands when I enter him.   


We don't break eye contact the entire time I'm inside Sirius, thrusting slowly, almost reluctantly at first, then faster as heat and pressure build through the base of my spine. Sweat trickles in a line down the center of my chest as Sirius raises his hips, allowing me to penetrate deeper. I come within minutes, breathless and dizzy as Sirius grips my hands. He murmurs something I can't hear over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears that sounds like my name. When I pull back and sit back against the headboard, Remus takes Sirius in his arms.   


As Sirius sits up straight, legs folded, his cock ring still lustrous in the candlelight, Remus moves over to me and places a hand on my thigh.   


"Sirius could watch us," he says, glancing over his shoulder to the table of toys and then back to me. He almost has me consenting to his idea until he kisses me. Tasting Sirius on his lips, I feel that same unraveling in my heart like a snakebite, quick and poisonous.   


I pull back. "No. I'll...I'll watch."   


So I sit once more with my back, this time bare, against the bedpost, watching Remus turn the blade of his knife against Sirius's chest. Remus is positioned between us, and I want to reach over and shove him to the side so I can see Sirius's reactions. I don't even know if I exist to him right now, if there's anything else in his world besides Remus and his knife, but I will not leave, because he is my confidante, my best friend, my lover, my Sirius.   



End file.
